Seras was wrong and Alucard is angry
by He will knock four times
Summary: Latley Seras feels depressed and Alucard is frustrated he cannot figure out why. So when a frightening event happens he is furious and will find out why she did what she did. AXS this is a temporary oneshot until i finish a story.
1. My name is Seras I am but three

This is a third story idea I had. I couldn't leave it to drift out of my head into a graveyard of forgotten stories. So I write a one shot that I promise myself I will absolutely leave a one-shot until I have finished a story of mine. I will. At least I think I will. Well if I keep telling myself that maybe it will work. Okay, its official, I have no ability to write one shots because whenever I look at one I get this urge to try to continue it even if its another persons story. But I can't start this one yet. The best I can do is I force myself to ignore this one until I do finish a story. I'm doing something a little different this time. I'm going to try to write it all in first person. EEK! Scary thought. Tell me what you think.

Xxxxx

I have never thought:

_"I want to die..."_

But I've also never thought:

"_I want to live"_…

I just sort of… exist.

I always have.

I am happy. …. ….That's a lie. I have no family. I don't have any friends. I have no lovers. I don't know what it is too love and the one man I think I might truly love will never love me in anyway. If I am to die no one will remember or barely notice except to remark what a bother my passing was for them. Officially I'm dead to the world around me and how humorous is it that the official story is the truth? I **AM** dead.

I died six years ago in the line of duty. In a church that looks like a massacre took place with Satanist worshippers and bullets flying around me like some sick, twisted game of pin the tail on the donkey. I died then and here now I lay dying once more, this time in my room, silently and no one notices. They go on like life hasn't changed. Like I am not shriveling inside. It hurts. I'm drying out. Make it stop. A husk. Anyone make it stop. A former shell of the person I once was. I'm so tired. I am dying and living at the same time.

It's like being on a journey, an empty dirt road. No matter how tired you are you can't stop. I am incapable of stopping. I'm dying because of this road inside. I only vaguely remember what happiness feels like. Something about being warm and excited inside. I don't remember what smiling feels like. I can't remember what the sound of my own laughter is like, let alone of what a laugh is supposed to sound like. I don't feel the motivation to get up. Or really the motivation to do much of anything. I feel so tired. But it's not the regular sort of tiredness. Sort of like I feel worn out on the inside. All I remember is the pain in my chest that torments me.

And no one notices.

No one ever notices. That's a lie. I think master notices. He just doesn't care. I'm a disappointment to him, I think. So he doesn't care. He never will. I'm '_not good enough_'. As long as he has something to kill and hate he is content. As long as he has his master he is fine and he cannot seem to wait to get rid of me. I try to ignore the cut I feel inside me at this knowledge. I know he regrets turning me. The cut grows and my eyes burn. I grit my teeth and force them back.

Sir Integra has noticed but she makes no comment. She never cared for me. I have always thought she hated me. I still do. I rather think if she had the motivation she would have me killed. This doesn't bother me as much as I think it should. I think the only reason she doesn't have me killed is because I don't rate her attention span. I'm too insignificant. I'm a bother to her. So she ignores me. It's okay. I'm used to that. I was 'kitten' to my old team because I was too timid and they always had to work extra hard because of me. They said they didn't mind because I was their little sister of the group. I think they were lying. I think they did mind and I think they resented me. I'm a bother to them and everyone around me. Why would they want me around?

Pip notices nothing and if he does he says not anything. He just tells bad jokes to try to make me laugh and cheer me up. He is so happy it only serves to remind me of my own misery. I don't go to visit him anymore. Then I noticed that everyone else is like pip; smiling and happy, with someone else. I don't go to visit anyone anymore. It hurts too much to see them all smiling together while, I, the weary traveler stand alone for eternity. I am never going to have someone who will love me I think. I hurt more than ever at this knowledge. Never is an awfully long time.

Walter seems to be the only one that cares. He asked me last week. Then again three days ago. Then again last night. I can't speak of it. It hurts. He urges me to talk with him and those are the only times I can even get a glimmer or remembrance of what smiling is like but it is gone as soon as it appears. I don't know why Walter bothers to try to save me. No one else does. I'm just 'not good enough' for them. I always have been a disappointment.

I'm nineteen. That's a lie. I'm nineteen only of body and twenty-five of mind. I will always be nineteen. In ten years. In twenty. In fifty. In one hundred. I will never change. I will never age another day, or a minute, or ever the smallest second. I see it in everyone else. Their hair line receding. A touch of gray or white here and there. Slowing of the body… they squint when they read words. They forget things. They start to have trouble hearing the words others speak. But not me. No. I'm like a rock, stuck at the side of the stream while everyone moves on without me in the flow of life. The weary traveler always and alone.

My eyes travel over the room listlessly. I would laugh if I knew how when I came to the realization that my room is as empty as I feel but laughing seems too hard to do. It's the same as always. Cold stonewalls, a clothing wardrobe, a table with two chairs and of course the coffin I lie in. the room was so dreary. Like I felt. I stared and after a while grew tired of looking at the walls. The remote is by my feet yet I can't seem to muster the motivation of energy to sit up or do much of anything. The walls start to grow annoying and I want to shut the lid but again the desire to move escapes me and I lay still with the annoying stone walls.

I close me eyes and listen. Lately my senses had advanced. Probably ever since I had gotten over my fear of drinking blood. I listen to the house groan as its wont to do like any old house. I listen as I hear someone on the first floor talking about their newborn in the family and how he is an uncle now. I ignore the pain and sense of longing in me at this. Especially the envy. I can't acknowledge the envy. I quickly try to focus my hearing on some other part of the house. I can hear the men in the barracks as they sleep and their heartbeats. The even breathing and the beds groaning as some tossed and turned. I grimace because I know what is going on, the men had seen too much and it had robbed them for every penny of their piece of mind as they slept at night. I can't tell which one is Pip.

I bite my lip and turn my hearing elsewhere. Thinking of Pip hurts as well. Finally I hear someone else besides the guards on patrol awake. It takes me a moment to realize but its Integra. Still awake and shuffling paperwork at this hour? I wasn't surprised. I was tempted to think she had insomnia. She always said she could sleep later and Walter threw fits over it. I rather wonder when she will get sick from a lack of sleep. Or when master will step in and put his foot down and carry her to her bed while she threatens him with her silver pistol. Whichever first happens. Master taking Integra to bed…

I squeeze my eyes shut in pain and ignore the jealousy in me. I am not jealous. I am fine. I'm fine. I am used to being snubbed and passed by. I always knew my master had an interest in her and she is why I will never have a chance with the one person I honestly say I could have feelings for. I sincerely think I love master but I don't know what love is. Worse is, I know what kind of reaction my master will have if he ever found out about my emotions. His disgust and disappointment towards me would reach new heights. I'm tired of being a horrible frustration to people but it's like I cannot help it. Everywhere I go something about me makes people disappointed in me.

Over the last couple of weeks there have been almost no missions other than ghoul outbreaks. Nothing that would require Integra to call for me or my master, apparently. So I haven't been called for or needed. Master doesn't seem to even visit me anymore like he used to. I don't understand. I drink blood, my strength has increased as well as my senses, yet his desire to be near me seems to have dropped to zero. I don't understand… I have improved haven't I? So why does he seemed so ashamed he wants to ignore me so badly? I curl up tight and the pain spread to my eyes and nose that start to burn. My eyes water and I squeeze them shut. No… no more crying… hadn't I proved my weakness often enough by crying?

Something touches my face and I jolt upright, mildly shocked that I managed to do so and more afraid that it's my master. I look over to see Walter who looks worried and angry. I look away and wipe my eyes before I look back to him. What is he doing awake? He speaks then, his voice is laced with frustration and anger, but slow paced as he tries not to lash out and keep his temper.

"Seras… this has got to stop. Please, I am your friend. I am worried. Won't you at least tell me what is wrong?" I consider his request. I know I am hurting him with this and for that I am selfish. But how can I admit my own idiocy for doing what I had done? I was stupid. No, I was beyond stupid. I had brought this onto myself and now I can only just pay the consequences by myself. I can't drag Walter into my misery just because he asks. I bite my lip. I cant look him in the eye because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of what I had done. It was a fools dream and yet I can't help myself. What is wrong with me? Complete idiocy and I had brought it on myself.

Walter tried again, softer than before because I think he can see the tears trailing down my face. "Seras… please?"

My body shudders in grief. I lie down and put my fists in front of my face. "You can't help me with this Walter. No one can." I know I am hurting him with my refusal.

"You don't know that. I might be able to help." Walter didn't know that this problem was something no one could help me. But im hurt and I feel like I need to tell someone and here is the last person on earth who seems to care what happens. And I'm nearly driving him away. Maybe I wouldn't be so bad. At least it's not master who knows. Walter wouldn't be disappointed in me?

"Alright…" I bite my lip and admit it too someone.


	2. My eyes are swollen so I cannot see

I mumbled my confession my eyes fixed on the lapels of his gray and black pinstripe vest. "I messed up Walter." Looking at the pure gray and cobalt black patterns where the perfect ironing had been done. Anything to avoid his eyes.

I avert my eyes further by looking down at the mattress of the coffin-bed. Clinical white fabric. I don't want to see the disgust and loathing there as he looks at me. The same look I see whenever master looks at me when I've made a mistake. I feel Walter touch my cheek and I flinch thinking he will slap me, scold me for my admission. I made a mistake and had to be punished. Doesn't matter what mistake and if they don't know what yet, I wont learn if I'm not punished. He will slap me now.

I am wrong.

He strokes the side of my cheeks so softly. So… kindly… His gesture of comfort makes me shudder. I feel like crying. I bite the inside of my cheek because suddenly my throat is thick and swollen with emotion. It is like swallowing sticky syrup that slowly slides down my throat to make room for more. The back of my eyes feel hot and it's suddenly hard to breathe. My chest feels hot and tight. I clench and unclench my hands, balling them up in front of my stomach. Trying to find a way, anyway to not cry and I manage to withhold the shuddering gasp. If I cry anymore Walter will look upon me with disgust. I just know it. He will be disgusted by my weakness. My show of emotion. I will be pathetic in his eyes, pathetic as I am to everyone else. 'Not good enough'.

Yet once again I am wrong.

He speaks to me like his hand runs over my face. He speaks to me gently. Patiently. Almost affectionately. "What mistake have you made Miss Victoria?"

There is no anger or loathing in his voice. Why is he not disgusted by my weakness? Master is. In fact, why is Walter not disgusted by my existence and for making mistakes? Master is. I look down at the mattress of the coffin-bed as I mumble out my answer again, unable to say it out loud. I am so quiet in my answer, as if I try to eliminate my voice and therefore my ability to admit my weakness. To admit my feelings. Never the less Walter hears me. He hears and is patient while I speak.

"I… I knew it was impossible… I knew master wouldn't… I mean would never feel the… I mean, I know he wouldn't even consider looking at me in the way. I knew that he doesn't see me like that and I… I'm not very appealing … I'm not very pretty you know … Yet I had hoped… maybe after a while… if I improved myself… he wouldn't have to be ashamed and maybe…" Walters hand stops moving on my face and he makes a small noise of comprehension. The light dawns and he knows how stupid I was to not be able to stop myself and how weak I am. After a moment he continues stroking, trying to comfort me.

Somehow... admitting it aloud… hurts just as much as keeping it quiet…

It was like trying to remove a splinter that was made of the purest of blessed water from my chest. Except that the splinter grew and grew as I pulled it out, keeping the hurt there inside me. Inside my chest. Inside my heart. Just to keep hurting me. It grew so it could stay inside me. to burn me from the within out and make me suffer. The gentle hands on my cheek stop their stroking.

I stiffen. Nervous. Was he going to hit me now. Punish me for my weakness? For my idiocy? I wasn't very smart either. I knew that. My inability to control my growing emotions for my master was proof of that. Emotions are weakness police girl. Love is human police girl. Vampires don't feel kitten.

Walter was going to scorn me for my weakness. My idiocy. Any moment now. He was going to be disgusted. Like master. I was weak. I would be disappointing to him. I am a disappointment. I wouldn't be 'good enough' for him anymore. I feel that cut inside me grow. Like at any moment my chest would just cave inwards even though I am lying on my stomach. Would he tell master? A stab of panic goes though me. I tried to avert my eyes too late. The hand moved from below my left eye to my chin, gently gripping it to move my head so my face would look to his. Why was he being gentle is he was going to yell at me? I tried but couldn't look away in time. He would look at me in revulsion.

I was wrong. Again.

I didn't see disgust. I didn't see revulsion. I didn't see loathing. I didn't see hate. Or anger. Or regret. Or disinterest. I didn't see sneers. I didn't see any emotion that I usually saw in my master's face when he looked at me. Or when sir Integra looked at me. Or what the other soldiers of Hellsing looked at me with when they saw me in the shooting range or on missions.

I saw fatherly affection and sympathy. I saw friendship. I saw patience. I saw concern. For me. My eyes burned hotter and the familiar sensation of my eyes trying to push themselves out of my sockets came as they got watery. And that familiar tight feeling in my throat returned thicker than ever. No… no more crying… Walter would see. Walter would see and he would think of me as weak and disgusting and pathetic as I am. He would call me pathetic and human…

Slowly he leaned forward and put his aged arms around me in a hug. I trembled, shaking from the effort to stop myself. When was the last time I had ever felt a hug? I had forgotten how warm and soft people could feel. A great shuddering gasp escaped me. And the bottom of my throat got a thick tingling feeling. Don't be weak. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cr-

"It's okay Miss Victoria."

That did it. I lost all composure and façade. I threw myself at him clutching at his vest like a helpless child unable to stop my crying. My chest heaving and hitching with hurt and sadness. My eyes weeping scarlet red with heartbreak and unrequited feelings. My soul sobbing in the pain of an unrequited love. But mostly I ached with the relief that my weakness wasn't disgusting to one person. Just one. I wasn't disgusting to a person once. Just this once.

I may be weak, I may be worthless. I may be disgusting, pathetic, a disappointment and too human to be worth anything. But maybe…

Just maybe…

For once I am 'good enough' for one person? I wasn't disgusting? I wasn't a nuisance? I wasn't completely worthless? I wasn't pathetic? Or a waste of space and time? Or even a disappointment? Maybe I was, to one person, worth something? The idea makes me cry harder and I shudder with relief mingled with grief. I don't know whether to cry for my broken heart or cry and dance with joy that I was worth something, no matter how small, to someone.

I tried not to wail in my grief. If my master heard me…

He would come looking for the source of the noise, the wailing. He enjoyed the suffering of others and wouldn't pass up the opportunity. He would find me crying. I was already enough of a useless disappointment to him in his eyes. He would look at me in the way of his. I couldn't stop myself from telling Walter this idea, weeping out reasons for my pain. My voice was shaking and wavering from sobbing.

"H-he… Mas-master re-re-regret-ts t-t-turn-ning m-me… H-he thi-thinks I a-am w-worth-le-ess… I'm a di-dis-apointment…"

Walters arms tighten around me and he assures me that is not true. "Miss Victoria, Master Alucard would never create you to be his fledgling if he did not think you were worthy. He is very old and very wise. He would not have created someone to be of his bloodline if he thought they were worthless."

But it IS true. I know it. I don't think Walter sees the way master looks at me the revulsion and absolute disgust no matter what I do. It wasn't just disgust it was complete and utter disgust that I was there at all. Those look in his eyes as if he is dispassionately studying an small, worthless insect and while bored he wonders if he should crush it or capture the pesky bit of filth in a bell jar and slowly peel off the wings and legs like a mean little boy. The way he seemed to sneer and contempt for my presence alone cuts me to tiny ribbons and shards inside. I start crying even harder, staining Walters's perfect vest and soaking his impeccably ironed shirt.

I am crying and being weak like master said I am, being to human and worthless..

I am making problems and wasting peoples time with my worthless self.

I am ruining the front of Walters's perfect clean coat and making a mess out of myself.

"I-I'm s-sor-r-ry Wal-walter… I-I-I'm being w-we-w-weak an-and cry-cryin-crying."

"It is NOT being weak to feel sad or to cry Miss Victoria." He said it so firmly, like he actually believed what he said and wasn't saying it just to get me to shut up and stop crying.

"Im ru-ru-ruining y-you-ur clo-cl-clothing." I don't know why I had pointed that out. Or why I was pointing out any mistakes and flaws of mine. Was I trying to get him to realize I was a lost cause? The last person who seemed to care?

"I believe that I have many other vests and shirts. I assure you Miss Victoria that I have been in service to Hellsing for many decades and have fought in battle before. This is neither the first or last time my clothing will be stained with blood."

Relief flooded me and I felt impossibly light. There was something that made me feel so good about crying. I felt light as a feather and every tear I shed made me lighter. I clutched tighter at the vest and tried to get closer. That was it. Maybe I had pointed out all those flaws and problems I had caused to test his affections and whether he was being genuine. He hasn't disappointed me. I feel more tears coming and gasped breathlessly tying not to cry to loudly. It was okay to cry and feel grief and he wasn't disgusted by me. Nor was he angry about his ruined clothing. He wasn't disgusted by me or my weakness or emotions. I felt wholly safe to trust myself with him.

I cried until I felt weak and my tears had dried up. I had cried until I had nothing left but the dizzy feeling of empty weightlessness. I sniffled and hiccupped while Walter went to the table and got my bucket and a towel. A gave me the towel and I whipped my face very awake that the bloody tears must make me look like a real mess. What surprised me was the three blood packets waiting for me in the melted ice. I wasn't opposed to blood and I had really begun to enjoy it ever since I gave in and started drinking. I was just confused as to why there were three. Walter smiled in understanding.

"Triple potions tonight miss Victoria. I hadn't planned on leaving until you confided in me."

I do feel really hungry and too much blood had gone to my crying. I feel very weak. Gratefully I took the first one and just bite into it the plastic. Something snapped in me and I gripped the bag possessively, growling in warning to any person foolish enough that might dare try to take my meal from me, digging my fangs further into the plastic sucking it dry in a minute. Ravenously I threw the bag behind me and snatched for the other one and did the same. I sat there a minute feeling the red in my eyes and a cloudy sort of feeling in my head, the power and strength making me rapturous. After another moment I start to come off of my high and realize I had done that in front of walter.

I look down nervously. The soldiers already looked at me as if I was a monster. Something unnatural to be hated and distrusted. Would Walter think the same with my display? I had been wrong three times before. Surely I was wrong now? I looked up and was relieved to see him smiling serenely. I whipped my eyes and my throat was sore.

"You're far too comfortable around vampires Walter." I croaked. He chuckled and handed me the third bag. I drank that much more slowly, not feeling at hungry as before.

Walter seemed to examine me closely. "Might I say without being rude Miss Victoria, that you look simply awful?" I blinked. Walters tone was playful and without knowing where it came from I laughed in the longest time. It felt so good to laugh and to actually remember what it was like I did it again. Breathlessly I managed to speak.

"Well you don't look so good yourself Walter. Covered in blood like that and it's dark. Hankering for human flesh? I should get out a silver pistol and shoot you for being a ghoul." He chuckled. She eyed him. He was too old and tired looking to be up at this time of night but she was grateful. "Thank you Walter. You need to get some sleep though."

He looked concerned and I was grateful but if he didn't go to bed I would push him out the door and up the stairs all the way to his room. If pushing wouldn't work I would carry him, dangerous silver evil dental floss wires be damned. I could feel dawn coming soon. He realized the time and promised we would speak later. He left and I laid back and put down the lid. I felt tired emotionally and physically. It was a good tired feeling. Id have to think on it later. I close my eyes and could feel sleep coming. As long as I had Walter I could withstand masters distaste for me. I think.

Xxxxxxx

Crap. I couldn't even last a month. Its "Run" all over again. Okay. I know I said that ill only do too stories at a time and I'm just going to have to eat my words. Sigh. Ill just update all the stories. If I can. I tried to no update "I know what you are" and like this story I was slacking off in class and had already wrote half of the chapter. *bangs head on glass desk* No self control on writing these. I didn't get a brilliant idea. There is some major angsting in this story and then I found this poem that is scarily related to the story I am writing. I altered it a bit but you guys will all find out the poem as time goes on in the title of the chapter.

Alright. Exhale moodily. This chapter brought to you my inability to keep a promise to myself and because I have no self control.

And remember: I DO NOT OWN HELLSING. (But according to a survey I just made up, I _do_ own Baskervilles.)

-He will knock four times


	3. I must be stupid I must be bad

I hesitated outside the door looking down at my feet. I felt like I was some small child that had been caught doing something wrong and now I was going to face the adults who would look at me sternly. I could hear the deafening shots of gunfire and the retors from the backfire. I could hear the small sounds of of the bullets tearing into the paper. I could hear the ca-chicks from when people slid the magazine out and replaced it before sliding the muzzle shut. I could hear the heartbeats and raucous laughter as the soldirs talked amongst themselves. What i desperately wanted to confirm but couldn't hear was the sound of Pips accent as he talked, which meant he was either firing his gun or not here.

I feel nervous. More than that i could feel my earlier apathy creeping back and al i desperately wanted to do was go back down to my coffin. i bit her lip and forced the urge back. i couldn't isolate myself. It wasn't healthy. And… i felt i need to make an effort. If i was going to continue to improve myself, i couldn't do it by turning into some sort of undead hermit. I waited a minute longer, feeling the nervousness increase.

i thought about Walter and brightened slightly. Walter was like the 'cool' grandpa you could tell anything if you needed to talk. So when he had not looked at me in disgust, I had felt impossibly bright and much lighter ever since. He was worried because i had been shutting myself away. i need to be stronger than that. I am stronger than that. Not **now**. But i **would** be. So I promised myself i would get out and make an effort.

I am regretting that promise now.

First was on my list of 'make a effort' was to get out more and socialize. Thus Pip. I really felt small, like a first grader surrounded by giant fifth graders. I really didn't want to enter until i was absolutely sure that Pip was in there. the soldiers don't… like me very much. I know I'm not human anymore and I'm getting over that idea but the looks they give me hurt. A lot. They look at me as if I were unnatural. They look at me with disgust and fear. I don't like being in there because I wasn't certain if they are above waiting until I practiced with my back turned to try to make an 'accident' happen.

Pip is different from them. Hell Pip is different from a lot of people. How many mercenaries are French perverts with eye patches, a trench coat, a black cowboy hat and a generic French accent? Of that number how many were trained vampire hunters? And of that even smaller fraction how many were friends with a vampire even though their job was to kill them? It was amusing to me just how unique he was in his own way. But to me, Pip really is different. Because he doesn't look at me like Masters disgusted indifference or Integra's cold gaze that tried to judge how well of a weapon I could be for her. The soldiers looked at me as if I were a abomination and a threat that had to be exterminated immediately. When Pip saw me… he _smiled_.

That was the greatest gift I think I had ever received in a long time. I was a vampire. I know that. I'm getting very used to the idea and all the things that come with it. Yet the largest reason I hated what I was, was because I missed people and how warm they could be. Emotionally, physically and verbally. All I had seen of my master emotionally so far was rage, hate, disgust and contempt. Physically I saw gentler sides which were kind smiles when he wasn't killing something or teasing me. But verbally he was the cruelest person I knew. But Pip saw me not only as a woman but as a person. He may have made it a point to make me blush at every turn by making a suggestive comment and 'asking' (harassing) me out on dates but when the humor died down he would really talk with me.

I wrung my hands nervously. I was hopeless. I loved one man completely who would never love me back and I wanted to get over my pain so badly that I would try for something that was doomed to misery. Pip was no virgin. I knew that. He wasn't Virgin in the slightest. I could smell it. Yet I was wondering if it wouldn't be so bad to be with him. He treated me well both emotionally and while he was rude in the way he would try to grope me he always respected my choice to say 'no'. I had thought him a huge pervert who saw women as meat but I couldn't have been more wrong. When he wasn't pestering me for date, he was asking for… other things. When I said 'no' he would drop it and go back to pleading for dates. In Pips own way he completely respected my body and he respected my emotions. I tried not to cry but when I did he would comfort me, genuinely comfort me as a good friend would.

But… I didn't feel that way about him… and worse was that I would never age. He was a man in full and had been with women before. I couldn't change him and keep him with me. He would age, grow old and wither before my eyes while I, the weary traveler, would remain the same. When he turned twenty-seven in two months I would still be nineteen. When he turned thirty. When he turned forty. When he turned fifty. Sixty. Seventy. I would _still_ be nineteen. And I would be alone again. Worse was that he worked for Hellsing. He could go out on a mission and never come back. Or he could die of a heart attack. Or something as simple as going to buy more of those damned cigarettes and getting robbed and shot. Or cancer. He smoked so much. Or worse: me. I could loose control one day and get… hungry… if that happened and I wanted someone to blame, I only needed to look in a mirror.

Despair engulfed me. I couldn't win. No matter where I looked: I was **alone**.

I couldn't turn a human either. Master would know and Integra would have him destroyed in most likeliness. So humans were out. That meant my only chance at love and happiness was with something inhuman. I thought of the freaks we met at missions and nearly dry heaved at the idea. If there was one thing I agreed with about anything with my master it was the freaks were the most disgusting and revolting thing ever to roam the earth. I remembered my missions with them, how they had no self control and killed in mass amounts indiscriminately. Women, men… **children**…

My mission in Cheddar… that little girl i had seen had been turned to a ghoul. My blood boiled at the idea of what that little girl had suffered for that to have occurred. She would have to have been violated. And then drained. Just a little girl. They killed for entertainment and thought they were masters of the universe, invincible gods because they had gotten a little power. They sickened me. i couldn't even begin to comprehend trying to find a man among their number that would be halfway decent.

I blinked and paused. Was I really considering this? I was standing here outside the shooting range trying to think of ways to get undead boyfriends just so I could forget my master? I shrugged. I was too lonely I guess. I have had boyfriends but I had never felt anything for them and so they didn't last long. I had never even kissed before. When I entered the cadet academy I had to put away my girlish dreams of romance or marriage. I am lonely. I admit it to my own head. I don't want to be. So I guess if I want to be happy I will have to find someone who will make me happy.

I needed it to not be human and no freaks. So it would have to be true undead…

That didn't help…

It just brought me back to master. He was less than interested in me… I bit my lip feeling that cut grow. It was being seared and compressed from the inside. It hurt. I shook my head. No! no more crying. I calmed down and tried to think it out more. Master wasn't the only true undead. There had to be another vampire male within England…

But I hadn't the foggiest idea of how to find them. I was still weak and inexperienced. I could try to sense the 'auras' but I had no idea of how to do that. Or really much of anything. I'm told if I haven't already learned to use them my abilities will come with age when my body matures… like some sort of freaky vampire puberty my body will start popping out with all these abilities I don't know how to use. Great. Once again my body will go through 'awkward changes'. Sarcastically I wondered if someone would give me 'the talk' and explain that I was going to have 'urges' which are 'perfectly natural'. I was very grateful I didn't have a monthly to worry about anymore.

This still brought me back to square one. To make any progress I would have to teach myself to sense auras. I was pretty sure it had to do with the third eye, the only ability I had ANY mastery over, besides mental barriers, and I was quite certain I was far from a 'master' over it. I could just ask master? I shook my head. I wasn't important. I knew that to him I was just a 'mistake'. . I felt my heart wrench. I was trying to get over him. So why did it hurt so damn much?

"Zeeraz? Zhere zave you been?" I spun around to see Pip approaching the shooting range. He looked rather incredulous to see me standing there. I couldn't believe how happy I was to see him. I ran up to him and enveloped him in a great hug. I forgot my own strength and he hit the ground with a yelp of surprise and me on top of him. I blushed realizing the compromising situation. I hurriedly got up and apologized.

"Pip I'm so sorry I did that. I was just so happy to see you and I forgot my strength and I-" he cut me off seeing as I was babbling and couldn't stop myself.

With a very big grin he spoke. "Zat eez ery zokay Zeraz. I feen-ally got you on zop." His eyes wandered down lower from my face and a roguish sort of grin took place. i blushed red and put my arms over my chest, slightly speechless. i spluttered unintelligibly and he laughed. "Zome, zeh-t us ghoo to zey ghardens."

I was too happy for him not to be angry with me that i had just disappeared for weeks on end that I nodded eagerly. I was feeling the best I could remember in a long time.

O0o0o0oo0

Can I just begin by saying how much I hate having Pip in the story? Not for the reasons you might think. He's a fun character… but writing in his dialogue is a "mah-ziv pay-een een zee ah-ss". Seriously, I'm tempted to just write it normally and tell you guys to imagine a French accent. But I'm going to preserver and use the accent website I found until you guys say you don't want it anymore. (oh if only I were so lucky.)

Now for those who think I'm setting up a Pipxseras or an OcxS… No. it's an AxS. Its just that we have to have Seras realistic in this. She wants a bofriend. She thinks Alucard couldn't care less. (lookatthetitle! Lookathtetitle!) So she's thinking on ways to get one. *smirk* imagine what happens when Alucard finds out?

**WiccaSilverFox****a** walterxSeras romance? _**EWWwwwwww**_. Really? That's so gross! The guy is like fifty-seven or something! Gross! I need to pour bleach in my eyes to purge my head of any remembrance of that! This isn't the Lolita movie! (okay! Calm down! Calm down. Calm down omygod that is so gross! Im being reduced to a toddlers reaction when covered in slug slime!)

-He will knock four times


	4. What else could have made Uncle so mad?

We're going to play the **imagination game**! Here is how the game works. We get to Pips accent and you all pretend there is a French accent. You get points for how ridiculous and silly the accent is in your head. … *slumps over tired of playing cheery.) I throw up the white flag. We get the story but a stunning lack of effort on my part is about Pips accent. You guys can amuse yourself with the imagination part but I'm not doing the accent at all. Sooner or later, one of these days, I would forget to put it in anyways and then things would get confusing. No Pip-esque accent okay?

Now I kno0w I haven't written in a while and that's because of all the homework I had. That's a lie. Utter bullshit actually. What really happened is that I have been playing Fable 2 for pc and have not stopped since. So before the ngiht is out I will have written three chapters for three stories and hopefully have started a chapter for 'submit to me".

xxXxXxXxx

My legs shake slightly and i look down at my feet nervously as both pip and I walked through the garden entrance. i feel like a complete wreck. What am I going to tell him? He seems calm but I know he is angry with me. I can see it in his face. I recognize those looks. I have seen them before on my- _no! Stop! Don't think about it!_ I shake my head to get rid of the memories. _Don't think about them, they don't exist_.

My lip trembles and I bite down on it and thankfully the slight amount of pain helps stem the flow of memories. I desperately need to distract myself so I look up to see Pip waiting for me on a bench calmly. Im not sure how long he had been sitting or waiting for me but I had somehow come to a stop in the middle of the garden. I really felt like a child done something wrong that was going to be yelled at. I walked forward nervously studying his face. He seemed calm enough so I sat down next to him. He didn't start speaking and seemed content not to. I on the other hand was a nervous puddle getting worse with the silence. I was still waiting for him to get angry at me or accuse me of avoiding him or- or something! I couldn't help but fidget more and more as the silence wore on and the tension he didn't seem aware of increased.

I was burning with fear and scared as hell. Finally I couldn't stand it any longer.

"Aren't you going to say something?"

he turned to me finally, his eyebrow raised and there was a certain anger finally showing on his face. "So you understand how I felt?"

I frowned in confusion. "What do you mean by that?"

If anything it only served to make him more frustrated. "Your _**disappearance**_ Seras! That's what I am talking about! For months you start looking sadder and gloomier and you start talking less and less. Them you started showing up less and less but you still showed up and I had been waiting for you to mention the problem mignonette. I had been patiently waiting for you to mention what was the problem, thinking I had all the time in the world and then one day you just stopped showing up at all. All I knew for sure was that you were in your coffin in the basement where I am not aloud. I didn't know if you were well and I could not speak with you!"

My mouth had slackened into a small O and I shrunk away almost unconsciously from his frustration. Instead of being angry _at me_ he was frustrated with me because he was unable to help? Relief bubbled inside me. He wasn't angry with me. Pip was the greatest friend in the history of friendshippy-friendshipness! He just continued on and I saw the worry and concern beneath the frustration, venting his anger.

"I had asked and sir Hellsing had known nothing of your condition. Then Walter wouldn't tell me anything except that you wouldn't come out of your room and I was left to worry over what was wrong with you and-"

He was knocked back coughing as I bear hugged him. His nervous mother act of 'I-am-worried-sick-about-you-young-lady" was so funny and sweet that I couldn't help it. For the second time that week I _laughed_ long and loud. It felt so good! And the utter warmth and heat from Pip was absolutely wonderful, I could hear his heartbeat but it wasn't in a hunger sort of way this time, but more of a comforting tempo. So I hugged him again but quickly let go when I heard his wheezing for breath. I winced feeling embarrassed at me mistake as I watched him cough and rub his arms ruefully. I really needed to remember my strength. You would have thought I would have remembered after Walter had warned me last night. But I don't think I can help it.

I just feel incredibly light and buoyant. So free and happy. I had Walter as a confidant and Pip as hopefully still my friend and confidant. I had hope of improving myself as a vampire and finding love. Blood doesn't bother me at all, Pip isn't pissed as hell with me and looks more likely to start scolding me like some overprotective mother hen figure. I could have dance and sung my joy. To hell with the soldiers! As long as Pip didn't see me as some monstrous freak and Walter didn't think I was a weak pathetic mistake I was fine! In fact to hell with master! … Thinking of master just brought me back down again.

I know I want to forget my feelings but I don't think I can. They are there firmly inside me. I feel mixed emotions when I think about him. Warm and light and so full of love. Despair and heartbreak and so full of the knowledge that he would never even come close to thinking about me in such a way or even caring. I wasn't… beautiful… enough for master. Integra was. Integra Hellsing was beautiful, strong, ruthless and obviously all that my master desired. I don't know why he created me at all. I think he had done it to see if Integra would become jealous. Clearly she hadn't so he forgot about me.

I bit my lip. Not beautiful enough... not good enough… I knew that. I had known that my entire life. All the men I had dated hadn't even asked for second dates. Something about me didn't appeal to them. I had watched with envy as the other girls with their boyfriends walked out of the graduation ceremony as the police academy arm-in-arm, while I just had my fathers photograph and some of his old drinking buddies that had come to see their old friend graduate. Then I had dealt with cases where little children went missing or concerned people had their spouse or special someone by their side. Still I would walk back to my empty house at the end of the day. Not beautiful enough. I was never enough or always to much. I was too blonde. Or too short. Or not tough enough. Or I wasn't smart or clever enough. Or too weak. Or I looked too childish. Too much this and not enough that.

I am always not enough or too much or too little of something. I am not adequate for anyone. The saddest part was that I am certain Pip thought I was just right as I was but I couldn't keep him or turn him as a vampire and I just didn't feel that way. When would I be just right to someone naturally who I could stay with?

"Mignonette?" His fingers were on my chin and I averted my eyes. Damn. I was crying again and this time there was no coffin mattress to hide them. Pip could most definitely see.

What was wrong with me? I was on some sort of emotional roller coaster. Sad, nervous, happy, sad, happy, sad, anxious, happy. My heart and head couldn't seem to just pick a fucking emotion and stick with it. I really felt confused because I wasn't certain whether I should just curl up and cry at my doom or laugh in hysterics at my foolishness. Doom of watching master get his way and Integra being with him. Doom of watching the one person I loved never loving me back. Doom of being forgotten and left behind. Or laugh. Laugh at my idiocy that I had fallen for the one person I knew would never care. Laugh at how foolish I must seem to Walter now. Laugh at my plans to somehow find a male vampire in the city and then date.

How would I go about that anyways? Find one who is free and then offer to go to the movies? I had no experience with men. I had even less with vampire culture, and men in vampire culture. How did intimate relationships work anyways? How did one vampire go and ask another for a relationship? For that matter did they date? What would be expected of me? I had nearly no experience with when in human relationships you moved on from first base to second. So when was I expected to do that now? I hadn't even had a first kiss. How sad was that? At my age? I was so unattractive that no man besides my now deceased father would want to kiss me.

I still didn't know whether to laugh or cry . Or maybe just laugh because the idea started making me think of mail-order brides like some sort of competitive TV Game show. "_Congratulations Seras! You won! Come get your new undead boyfriend! He is six feet tall, two hundred years old, has brown hair, loves biting blonde women and is waiting for the right vampiress to sweep him off his feet!_"

I finally settled on laughing. The image was too funny. What would master think? But my laughter turns to sobs and I hug myself shaking. Dammit. Mood swing once more. Sad to happy in seconds like the snap of a finger. I feel Pip gather me in his arms and he held me as I cried. Were vampires bi-polar? That would certainly explain things. But that was the last thought I had because the sadness washed over me and drowned out all else.

Finally after a couple of minutes I calm down. I sit up and wipe my eyes and cheeks. I look at Pips bloodstained jacket feeling mortified. I seem to be making a habit of this. It looked like he had been shot or was the heroic sole survivor of some horrifying battle. Pip grinned seeing me recovered.

"Better Mignonette?" I nodded not trusting my voice. "Good. I understand what is going on and why you were so sad."

I cringed feeling naked. Were my feelings for master so obvious? Pip continued oblivious to my discomfort.

"Yes! The answer is clear to me now! You heard the rumors of me having a new girlfriend, mignonette, and you were such a heartbroken flower that you shut yourself away like sleeping beauty waiting for her prince. You were hoping I would come to you and wake you up from your sad spell with a little kiss, no?"

I stared at him as he stood up making a dramatic pose and a roguish grin on his face. I burst out laughing at his teasing. Pip would _never _change! He should never change! I bounced up and hugged him gratefully, being mindful of doing so lightly this time. It wouldn't do to kill my best friend from asphyxia. That would be me, literally, loving him to death.

"Come I believe there is a free TV with our names on it mignonette. I am going to cheer you up!" he paused looking stern. "But you have to promise to tell me what is wrong. What has been bothering you and made you sad. deal?"

I nodded. It was fair and he had the right to an answer.

XxXxX

I just read this funny quote: "**I'm just glad that we're living in an age where you can trust everything our government says****."**

**NyxisNox**: I know. I was just trying to make the accent convincing. But like always I have trouble knowing where to draw the line.

**RoseWolf**: Thankyou! I don't mean to sound accusatory or pushy but I have four Hellsing stories and I am always looking for ways to improve them. you said you like only three. Which one do you not like? because then that tells me I have to work harder to make it better.

**Wolfie**: I know. Me too. But sometimes it gets a little weird. Like the other day, I was writing "I know what you are" and then all of the sudden I had check what I had written and found that the climatic scene I had planned out for "Submit to me" was in the word document interrupting the scene. I must have been really tired because I don't remember writing it and I was all "WTF?" I completely hear what you have to say on the grammar errors. I finished that chapter there at like, 12 pm and im going to go back and fix it. thank you very much for the review and thank you for the promise to write them more often. I'm glad people review at all but I love reviews like these where they actually have input. I want more in reviews than "Please update soon" (these are a dime a dozen).

**Ladymaja**: just watch me put on my mad scientist coat and get to work. Alucard reaction. Its going to be fricken awesome. It will be biblical.

"_**He was smiting right and left and rivers ran red with the blood of his enemies**_!"

-He will knock four times


	5. I wish I was better I wish I werent ugly

My chapters have been sadly short recently. I think it's about time I remedied that. I shall have something happen in this chapter that is more than talk… or bust. But first: response time!

**Ladymaja**: hmmm… 'Desperate'? I'm having some internal debate whether that's the right adjective… regardless Seras is more 'desperate' to get some happiness and forget her master who she thinks hates her.(LOOKatTHEF-INGTITLE) its not so much for a boyfriend she wants. It's more that she feels like she wants love and to not be alone. In short she's trying to forget her master by having a rebound. I know it sounds cruel and she knows it's cruel, which is one reason why she crossed out Pip as an option.

**Black Diamond07**:… *stares*… you have been … reading…. And _**comprehending**_ Right? _Right_? I'm assuming you actually have, which means that you know her 'moodiness' is because she is heartbroken. I know it seems that she is behaving like some angsting Emo teen but she isn't. She is trying to deal with the stress of finally accepting the changes created in her, realizing and accepting that her master is disgusted by her (lookattittle) and that if she wants to forget her master she is going to have to find a vampire out in the city. Also I don't know whether YOU know but heartbroken people have the tendency to be depressed.

Didn't know whether you were aware so I put that little tidbit out there for you. I don't know, maybe between the confusion from changing into a vampire and being thrown into missions, battling yourself over your own nature by starving yourself, loving someone from afar who you know doesn't believe in love, having unrequited love, getting looked at as a disgusting animal by solders, you think you'd be a little depressed? Just a little? What? I'm supposed to change the story because you're on your period? Just for you? You're absolutely right! She's heartbroken, so we will have her run around singing the lollipop song with a great big old smile on her face. (calmdown self) I have a proposal.. If your pmsing don't read until natures bitch has left you.

**FormidableRain**: Ack! Damn! Now I've got two people to disappoint! I got complaints that it's too angsty and now I've got a compliment that it is great that it is angst. So I basically can't win. I get it worse before its better and in the end you were wishing for the angst. Yes there's going to be more angst ahead. Believe me plenty. But Seras is eventually going to get chipper-er. (chipper? Chipper-er or is it chipper-er-er?) We get a depressing past uncovered and a hell of a lot of surprising shit goes down. For right now some nice stuff happens.

**XxxXxX**

Mindless white noise I was hearing. It was the simple act of Pip holding me gently as I stared at the TV silently. I wasn't actually watching the TV. It was a blurred screen of color and noise and I stared at it pretending to watch or see what was there. I was just grateful for the company and the comfort of an embrace. There wasn't anything intimate about it in my opinion. Just two people enjoying the comfort of the others presence. Though before long Pip had to wrap himself up in a blanket because I was like ice against his skin. Like I had stuck my hand in snow and put it against the back of his neck just to see him jerk away.

I was grateful and though not really truly happy, I was content for the moment. I felt uneasy because I know he wanted to ask questions and it was only a matter of time before he started. I lay curled in his lap, my head resting against the am of the couch. I couldn't focus at all on the TV. Humans were so warm…Pip was like a space heater to me and every ounce of warmth radiated to me like a blanket and I could practically feel his pulsing heart on my skin.. It wasn't just relaxing… it was nice. Purely and simply nice. When he started playing with my hair I growled slightly in what I could only describe as happily. I think I was purring.

It had to end though. All good things did. Pip had made sure to relax me first and make this easier. But it wasn't. This would never be easy and we both knew it. If a cut hurts and you laid a bandage over it, it still hurt. It didn't matter if he was gentle about it, it would still be painful to me.

"Seras... Please tell me what is wrong." He said it softly and gently that it took me a minute to understand what he had asked. I had expected it but still, I stiffened. I forced myself to relax. I had promised. I owed it to him. This was Pip and I could trust him completely. Nervously I forced myself to speak. I felt all washed out of tears though.

They say that it gets easier the second time you tell someone your secret. They're full of shit. They have absolutely no fucking idea what they are talking about. It was just as difficult to explain Pip the mistake I had made, in not controlling my heart and how my feelings had blossomed miserably into something master didn't believe in, as it was to explain to Walter. But I think it was worse with Pip… because now that I wasn't crying hysterically and instead was calmly telling him I was able to think up things that hadn't occurred to me while I was talking with Walter. Worse was that I could trust him with anything in a way that I didn't with Walter. I don't know why. I knew I could trust Walter with anything but there was something that made me confide in Pip instead.

"You really love him?" Pip asked when I had finished.

"Yes." I gasped out. It hurt so much. I felt like my chest was on fire and my emotions were consuming me from the inside out. This was killing me in a way that silver and fire or holy water couldn't. I was feeling better now that I had told someone but the problem was still there.

"I see that I don't have a chance. " I looked at him guiltily. I was hurting him and I knew it but that was inevitable. There was no way around it and I couldn't give him false hope or string him along. But he looked more accepting than hurt. "It's alright mignonette." There was a sad look and I felt bad but I knew not to press it.

He pushed me off his lap and turned me so that I was facing him on the couch. "You need cheering up. So I will make you laugh." I blinked. That was unexpected. He thought for a moment and told me a story. I laughed so hard that I immediately complied when he told me to tell him a story. The stories were magically therapeutic. With every story he told me I laughed harder and harder. It felt so good. And with every memory I recounted I remembered what it was like to be happy and to make someone else laugh. What it was to just laugh and relax.

Pip.

Once there was a prostitute he was making out with that he groped, only to realize that the breasts came off and there was a bulge in the nether regions where there shouldn't have been. He had washed his mouth out with bleach and rushed out of the cheap hotel swearing in French. In only his underwear.

Seras.

Once Seras had been having coffee with her friend, who was the manager of her own store, when a man came in to rob the place. Her friend managed a gun shop… a place where they sold guns. A place filled with guns. A place where people who carried guns gathered. A place where people who knew how to use guns gathered. Then there was the fact that Seras had parked her patrol car right out in front of the door, so that he would have had to walk right past it to get inside. Then there was the fact that Seras had been wearing her full police uniform and leaning against the counter in plain view of the window. The idiot had been fired at immediately and taken to the hospital.

Pip.

Once he came to a bar where his friends were all waiting for him. They gave him a glass full of yellow ale that was warm and it wasn't until he took a sip that he spat it out and been informed that all his so called buddies had made a bathroom contribution to him as a prank.

Seras:

Once there had been a woman Seras had arrested for robbing a grocery store. The only reason she was caught: she had been wearing a bag over her head but the clerk recognized her immediately as a regular, _because it was plastic_.

Pip.

Once he had gotten back at all his friends by hiring a certain prostitute to 'entertain' them. His friends had gotten a large surprise and Pip had smugly announced his triumphant revenge. The men had ran from the bar cursing him in every language they knew.

Seras.

Once she had been doing deskwork when a woman walked in and announced that she thought some merchandise she had bought had been tampered with in dangerous ways. When Seras had asked what it was, she was stunned when the woman produced a back of methamphetamines and outraged, said that she thought her boyfriend had mixed in a hallucinogenic. She demanded that she be given a fresh bag and that her boyfriend pay for ruining her batch by mixing drugs. Seras had been so stunned that she could only stare in awe of the woman's inability to process that she would be arrested on drug charges… Just as soon as Seras could recover from her surprise…

Pip.

Once a man had hired him and the geese to get his daughter back and when they got to the supposed 'kidnap' it turned out the daughter was secretly meeting up with her girlfriend and didn't want her father to know. The thing was, was that she had a thing for kinky bondage and had been wearing the handcuffs when she went to sleep and her partner had gone out of the hotel to get a drink. The girlfriend had then gotten drunk and was arrested before she could get back to the hotel and un-cuff her lover. She had laid there for two days in nothing but fuzzy pink handcuffs and the body Gad had given her before the geese had 'rescued' her.

Seras.

Once there was a purse snatcher who would ride by people on his motorcycle and snatch purses from women. He made a large mistake when he grabbed a handbag from one woman only to realize it was his own mother he had just stolen from. He had been arrested immediately and his defense to the jury was that he would have never done it that day if he knew he would be stealing from his mother.

By now I was laughing so hard my sides hurt and my cheeks ached. Tears were threatening to leak out the side from my mirth. This felt wonderful. I felt so new compared to the night before. I felt that things would be a little okay as long as I could remember to laugh and smile. I would make it. I just had to pick myself back up and keep improving my skills/ I wiped at my face suddenly realizing how close dawn was. Pip had staid up so late for me. I gave him a large hug, making sure to be gentle this time.

"Thank you." I whispered to him. I could make it. Nothing would knock me on my ass. If something did then there was nothing for it except to just get up again. Determination blazed inside me.

Pip smiled but he looked like he was considering something. He looked so hesitant, as if he knew what he was about to ask would upset me but he was going to ask anyways. "Mignonette?"

"Yes?" I felt a thrill of dread because I had an inkling of what he was going to say. I wasn't wrong.

"Why don't you just tell him?"

I froze. I had been expecting it yet somehow I was still surprised. They say deer freeze when there are headlights. At least they knew what they were talking about this time. I couldn't believe he had asked me that. I felt panic well inside me. Master couldn't know. If he did I'd be even more of a pathetic disappointment. Regardless of any progress I've made. I shook my head frantically. Pip couldn't tell anyone! He couldn't!

"No! Pip! You don't understand! He doesn't believe in it! I'd be a- I just- No! I-I can't! Don't! Please don't! Please, please-" He held up his hand to stop me. He looked sad, seeing me so desperate to shut him up. To stop him from saying anything to anyone.

"Alright mignonette. I understand." I stared at his face trying to see if he was lying. Finally I nodded seeing he was being truthful. He tried to stifle a yawn and I pulled him up to his feet. He looked like he was about to die of exhaustion.

"Go to bed." I ordered. He grinned at me waggling his eyebrows suggestively like a bad vaudeville villain.

"Is that an invitation?" I turned red, spluttering in outrage. How is it that I hadn't seen that one coming? After being around him so long you think I would have learned how to phrase things in a way he could use as an innuendo! He laughed and turned around, clearly going to head to the solders barracks. I grit my teeth hearing him whistle a merry tune as if he didn't have a care in the world.

I shook my head in annoyance. One day… One day I _would _get him for every lewd comment he had ever made and every pass at me. But for now I'm tired and I have to think up ways I'm going to train. The third eye was something I was good at but sort of a shaky concept. I could make it manifest but it was less of a physical feature and more of a spooky, mystical vampire trait that involved the use of powers. I already knew how to use it to enhance my eyesight for shooting and for hearing… but sensing people around me that are far away? How was I to train myself for that? Do I just use my third eye and try to find where Walter or Integra were in the estate?

I shook my head to clear my troubled thoughts. Now wasn't a good time to think on it. Without Pip to distract myself or make me laugh I felt unease and a bit of sadness. No! I am strong enough by myself! I am strong. I am strong. I… am strong. I looked down at my feet glumly. The more I said it the less I believed it. I didn't feel it. 'Not good enough' was the only thing that felt true. I gripped my arms. I had to improve myself to be good enough for anyone. Again. Was I just… deficient? Was that it? It certainly felt that way. I shivered a little when I realized I was feeling tired again. Not that physical kind, the kind of tired where I just wanted to go to bed and stay there. I shook my head!

No, no, no! I couldn't let my depression bring my down like this again! I would just have to get up again! And again… and again… how many times would I be able to fall, pick myself back up, try again before I just let myself fall and lay there? I was feeling exhausted at the idea. I felt like I was drying up from all the effort. Being used up like a sponge. The idea of changing me seemed too familiar and exhausting. Like I had done it so many times before but now I was growing tired of it. I want to change. And I don't want to change. I want to change. But I don't want to change. I want to change. And I don't want to change. I **have**to **change** to be '**good enough**' for _anyone_. But I want to be 'good enough' as I am now.

Is that so hard to ask?

I made fists, trying to feel tough and make myself believe that I was strong. I'm strong! I'm independent! I can be strong! I CAN learn to sense other vampires and I CAN get some love! I didn't need master! I can forget my feelings for him! I could do this on my own! Master clearly wasn't going to help.

I would have to help myself. I paused as something occurred to me. Was that really any different from any moment of my life?

XxxxXxxxX

When a person returns to their room, there's always a certain expectation from them. The expectation that everything is in the familiar place. For messy people, they always expect their bras or underwear to be slung in the corner of the room they had thrown it in last Tuesday. Or maybe their posters were in the exact same position they had left it. The floors and the furniture are the same as they left it. Maybe the neat people expect their pencils to still be in the pencil basket and the pens to be in the pen basket that they were left in and the jackets to still be hung up in the corner on the coat rack; exactly as they had left it. They would probably get quite a surprise when something has changed.

I am no different.

My rooms will always be cold, hard gray stone. My cold gray walls that feels less like a room and more like a tomb or the walls to a medieval mental institution. A plain oak circular table and two matching chairs. My oak table with its plain, brown ways. My chairs with their plain, brown ways. A simple wardrobe for my clothing and the coffin bed. My plain brown wardrobe that was rough and old looking. My coffin bed with its clinical white, hospital bed fabric. A plain white light switch that I don't use anymore because I can't see in the dark all the time now and the florescent lighting hurts my eyes. I'm not complaining about the room. It's a little sparse but there was an oddly militaristic element to it that was fitting for the organization and that I was used to from being MI-5.

It was just so… impersonal. Everything about it felt like a hospital room and not a sanctuary I could seek safety and comfort from. Everything and everywhere. Cold stone walls that chilled even my skin and the stone so rough and icy against my skin. Cold and unfeeling. My coffin bed wasn't scratchy but neither was it very comfortable. The illusion of a four-poster bed when the lid was up was hilarious, in a way that it felt like it was mocking me. I finally get a four poster in time only to realize that it was just a giant, lying coffin. The bed was just white and electric so you could adjust it. Another marker of hospital amenities. So cold, unfeeling and impersonal. Did Sir Integra think me not a person and instead an unfeeling freak? I blinked. Oh who was I kidding? Of course she did! I'm a vampire and therefore a complete monster to her and undeserving of comforts. The only thing I ever expect to change about my room these days is the familiar blood pack and ice bucket on my table when I wake up and before I go to sleep in the morning.

I was feeling so buoyant and confident trying to convince myself that I was strong on my own, that I hadn't noticed it at first. I got to my door, enjoying the feeling of remembering what it was to smile, when I stopped. My hand hovered over the door handle. Something was… off… I couldn't quite place it but I knew it was safe to enter. That much my instinct told me. It was safe to enter but I really shouldn't. It was confusing. My senses would have to improve more if I wanted a clearer message. The messages were mixed. It was safe to enter but for some reason something felt angry and dangerous behind my door. So, there's an angry, powerful being in my room, but I'm safe? I shook my head. I had a choice. I could chicken out and come back later. Or re-enact every teen slasher film I had ever seen, where the stupid blonde decides that since all her friends are dead she had to investigate the demonic breathing noise in the basement.

I had always laughed when I watched those movies. I was never afraid. I mean it was always the same plot and characters every time. Countless movies with different villains but every event and character were basically the same. There was always some creepy old gas station attendant that warns you about the wax dummy museum or going into the woods at night. There were always the same five teenage characters played by thirty year olds. There was the jock with the monosyllabic name, the token black guy who dies ten minutes in, the black guy's girlfriend who dies fifteen minutes in, the Goth, the sheriff's preppy daughter and her boyfriend who always turns out to be the killer.

I had to be strong because I was, in a strange sense in a horror movie. I am strong. I am not weak. That was the program anyways. I would tell myself I am strong until I eventually believed it. I grip the handle and turn the knob. I walk in trying to be confident. I stopped in surprise at what I saw. Now? After so many weeks?

"Master?"

I couldn't believe it. I thought he had given up on me long ago. I was the 'mistake' wasn't I? The 'disappointment' after all and so there was no need to waste time on me… So why was he here? I studied his face. It was perfectly smooth and tight but I could sense that he was angry with me. What had I done this time? He looked like he had been expecting me. Well naturally he was since he is in my room. Why is he in my room after so many weeks of ignoring me? He was leaning back on two chair legs and his boots were crossed onto my table. His arms were crossed together and his hat and glasses off. I forced myself to not study him closely. I was trying to forget him after all. Thinking about the fact that he wouldn't care about me at all only brought me more pain.

I tried again. "Master? Can I help you?"

He didn't respond. He just continued to study me quietly. Clearly he was considering something. I tried not to sigh. It was to always be on master's schedule or you damn well had to wait. I spotted something that made me uneasy though. My wardrobe was ajar. The door was a little open when I was certain that I kept it closed. My unease grew. Had he looked through my things? Normally clothing I didn't mind. It was just uniforms and undercover wear. The most embarrassing clothing was my underwear and bras. I had snuck out once and shopped to get something slightly risqué. But that wasn't what concerned me because the only thing I really had to hide was… Oh… Oh no… please, please if there is a God who exists and likes me at all…. Let it not be that!

I walked over to the wardrobe and opened it. Everything was in place as far as I could tell but that really was no guarantee. But I couldn't really ask him about it either because if he hadn't found it, he would become interested enough to come back later. I closed it and turned around, leaning against the wardrobe. I couldn't think of anything to do. I had wanted to spend it planning but even with mental barriers on I couldn't very well just plot something with my master here. I waited a minute and he just ignored me. Did he just come out of sheer boredom? My heart sank. He _had_ given up hope on me. He hadn't come to see if I was progressing. I had misread it. He had come out of sheer boredom. I was trying to forget him… so why did that hurt so much?

I ignored his presence as he was me. Dawn was coming and I was getting sleepy. I walked over to my coffin to lie down. Or I would have if I could move. I found myself paralyzed. I jerked and struggled but to no avail. I was nothing but a statue at this point. An imprisoned statue not surrounded by bars or cages or electric fences but my own body imprisoning me. My jaw wouldn't move. My tongue was no longer mine to work. I tried to scream but my body didn't respond. I didn't own myself. A little marionette on string dancing for the master. I moved my eyes trying to see my master. He had gotten up and was slowly walking towards me.

I screamed in my head louder and tried to move harder. It still wasn't my body to control. He looked full of rage like he was about to kill me. He watched my struggled full of amusement. Finally he reached my and I found him moving me over to the table. I struggled to move but… My body was just docile. It walked with him willingly and moved when he pushed me down onto the hard wood surface that was my table. I felt even more frightened. What was going on? What was master doing? Slowly, like he was trying to control himself, he put palms on either side of my head and leaned in to put his face right in mine. He was an inch away and I could see every detail of his face. I felt a momentary pang of sadness. The one thing I wanted to do was kiss him at least once. Even if I had control of my body I wouldn't do it. I couldn't forget my feelings for him that way.

He growled and I froze in fright. Finally he spoke but it chilled me to hear the rage in his voice. The contempt. He hissed it at me like an angry serpent.

"Had a nice time police girl?" I blinked not understanding what he meant. "With that disgusting human? Did you enjoy your time with him? You enjoyed lying together like I am on you?"

I stiffened, tense. My face was slightly red. Master had seen that? Master had seen her with Pip? I felt confused. I didn't understand. Why was that cause to make him angry? His eyes had narrowed. My eyes widened. I cast out my mind to find… what had he done? My mental barriers were gone and I couldn't put them up! My panic doubled and I struggled to put them in place. They flicked into being for a moment before disappearing completely. He just laughed.

"You seem to be forgetting who you belong to. Yes I had seen you with the human. I am surprised you're still a virgin" he taunted cruelly. I blinked. I tried to shake my head.

It wasn't like that. I wasn't interested in Pip that way. I couldn't help but feel hurt as well. Did he think I was loose or easy? I wasn't a whore who would give herself up to the first person who offered. He snarled and pressed himself on me further. I blushed because I could feel his chest against mine. I had never felt any mans chest before.

"Are you certain you do not want him that way?" I tried to nod, to show I was certain. But again I couldn't move. Yes I was sure but why was he asking me these questions? What did it matter to him who I did and didn't take interest in? He laughed and I shivered at the sound. "How little you know pet. You are mine."

'_**You are mine'**_. He said it so matter-of-factly. Like I should have known all along. I bit the inside of my cheek. I tried to ignore it. But I was starting to feel hot and I knew what was happening. I was all too aware of how his muscled body was pressing down on me. I shook myself to rid those thoughts. It wouldn't be good. I had to stop myself. I couldn't let him know about anything that had happened recently. I tried to appease his anger by sending out thoughts.

_Master I don't feel about Pip that way. He and I are just friends. There was only the couch in the TV room to sit on, so we shared it. Please don't be angry with me. _

He grinned down at me and I was relieved to see some of his earlier anger was gone. He still seemed angry but hopefully he had seen the truth that I didn't view Pip in that sort of light. Something seemed to… please him? This couldn't be good. He looked like he knew something I didn't and that was never good. He cocked his head to the side as he observed me and then his grin grew. What he said next broke my heart.

"You are to never see or speak with him again."

I stared. What? I tried to shake my head. To deny his order. I still couldn't move or speak. I felt hurt because Pip and Walter were the only ones that seemed to hold me up when I fall down. I needed Pip. I had told him things that I never told anyone because I could trust him. Things that I never told even Walter. I didn't just feel rage at my master… I felt panic and fear. I needed them. Both of them. I was trying to be strong on my own but how could I do that when I can barely find the motivation to get up because of depression? I needed them to prop me up, while I worked to make myself stronger, until I didn't need them anymore. So I screamed denials at him through my head.

_What? No! Why? I won't do it! You can't make me! I will see whoever I want!_

He threw back his head and laughed. The sound of it chilled me. He really sounded like he knew something I didn't. What scared me was the fact that that was _very_ real possibility. I was just a fledgling, no older than three. What could I know that he didn't? He stopped laughed and chuckled; he looked at me in amusement.

"I have not used this on you for drinking blood because it would have made cooperation difficult in future when it comes to meals. I would have had to force feed you. I've been too lenient with you it seems. You've grown spoiled and ignorant of certain things. It is time I used it on you and that you learned who is master."

There are moments in life where one can say they are afraid. Afraid for themselves. Afraid for others. They can be funny and melodramatically scream fear. I was afraid that moment to the depth of my heart. I lashed out. I kicked. I forced my arms up. I screamed. I bit. I scratched. Anything to protect myself from what he might do to me. All of it was in my head. I couldn't move so much as a twitch. I still lay on the table with my legs dangling down against his, docilely waiting for whatever horrible punishment or secret he had in store for me. He still leaned over me looking pleased and amused and very much in control.

I could feel the tears welling. I tried to force them back. I was strong dammit. I am strong… I am strong and… and… A sob escaped me. My body wasn't my own. I had never been so helpless in my entire life. Everywhere I had ever been, even if things had been bad at least I had control of my body. I could move or speak, or lash out, or fight back, or touch someone. But I just laid there like a terrified marionette with its strings cut. I couldn't speak or move independently without my masters orders, I couldn't fight back, and it was only my master who could move to touch me. I had no control over my body. My master had taken it from me.

His face grew more pleased. "Ahhhh… It seems you are remembering who is master. Do not forget that you are mine. I own you completely and you are mine to do anything I choose with. If I do not want you to move you shall not move. If I do not want you to speak you shall not speak." His face grew angry and full of rage. "If I tell you never to speak with that filthy human again, you will never speak with him."

I saw out of the corner of my eye that he had made a fist and he pressed his index into my forehead. Finally I could move and the first act was to scream. Pain. Pain coming from every inch of my head as he pressed his finger into my skull. Pain arced into my body and the only sound besides my screams, was that I could hear his orders in my mind. The words resonated throughout my head and it felt like a small weight had settled into my chest. The words were power and control. The words were orders and they were absolute.

_**You are to never speak with or touch or visit with that disgusting human called Pip ever again…**_

He lifted his fingers and the pain stopped. I gasped for breath and then remembered I didn't need it. So I stopped. He moved back and I found I had control of myself. I scrambled off the table and ran to a corner to hide in. I couldn't think straight. All I knew was that I feared the pain and helplessness he might give me. I shivered pressing myself closer into the wall, trying to disappear. I heard the sounds of footsteps but I ignored them. I didn't notice anything until I felt something touching my arm. I tried to scream or fight back but whoever it was just picked me up and walked over.

Someone stroked my hair, soothing me. Making shushing noises. I was laid on something soft and I tried to scoot away but there was a grasp on my arm that prevented it. It kept touching me to sooth me gently. I relaxed slightly as the far came away. I realized it was my master being so gentle and I cringed away in fear and confusion. Hadn't he just hurt me a minute before? Now he was being gentle? I didn't understand. He gathers me into his arms and I whimper fearfully. Was I going to be punished again?

"Shush Pet. You needed to be reminded of who is master. I won't punish you anymore than that. I will not explain nor do I have to explain why I do what I do with you. You are mine." I shivered. I felt relieved that I wasn't going to be hurt but master or not I was going to visit Pip. He laughed hearing this thought. "Go ahead and try Pet. You won't make it three feet."

Was he going to try to stop me? He laughed again. He really sounded amused and pleased. Clearly he knew something I didn't. He sounded simply satisfied and smug.

"No I won't stop you. You will find out yourself. You will soon understand what I mean when I say this but… You won't make it three feet."

He let me go and walked through the walls. I waited a moment trying to put my mental barriers up. With trepidation I tried to sense Pip and found… nothing… Where once I could sense him in the barracks with a little effort I couldn't feel him at all. I couldn't hear him either. I trembled. I could feel something blocking me. Blocking my senses. And it was only blocking me when I tried to find Pip. I could find and hear Walter fine. I could find Sir Integra. I knew that somehow my master had done it. He had taken away my freedom to rebel his orders on Pip. I couldn't sense him. I couldn't hear him. I couldn't even smell him on me like I had been able to before.

Till the moment I felt asleep:

I don't think I have ever cried so hard or felt so lonely in my entire life…

O0oo0o0o

Okay! How was that? I am trying to expand chapter length and I have been told the last chapter was emotionally flat and I had to agree. I am trying to make it even better. I do feel a little bad about barely updating in the last two weeks. I had all these plans to update throughout the week and then spring break happened. And well… all the plans went down the drain at the great idea of just doing plain nothing. I went bicycling around the Jackson Frasier wetlands. I love that place.

Okay! Events have picked up some; we actually get Alucard in the next chapters. (Because I've noticed that despite him being a major character here, he never actually shows up) we get some new characters ad Seras learns some horrifying truths. And I reveal my email account for those who need to email me for whatever reason.

-He will knock four times

.


	6. Then maybe my Uncles girlfriend

This is a memory chapter to explain things. Some of you have been going "what the hell is going on?' some of you have been thinking that I've been making Seras depressing. Well get out your tissue boxes because shit just got worse and I explain why Seras has an inferiority complex. Seeing as how my talents only go so far the pov is going to be switching back and forth between omniscient, 3rd person and first person. This may not make sense to you now but you'll need to know it to know what's going on: When Seras is having an "episode" its in 3rd person. Ill explain further later on. This chapter was so complicated to write because I had to be super careful with where I put my pov types.

XxXxXxX

_**"Do you know how to create a disturbed personality? Constant criticism and lack of affection. It works like a charm…"**_

They were speaking like I couldn't hear them again. Like I was an unintelligent slug incapable of speaking human speech, much less like I couldn't understand it. They whispered but too loudly, they had stepped four feet away but it was still too close. I could hear them and understand. Perfectly. Understand perfectly that they were talking about me. I wasn't certain if I liked it. Nothing seemed to really matter. Not even the adults or the other children she saw across from her. They were nothing. Just faces that made noise yet she could still hear what they said. She knew she should feel sad but she didn't. She felt nothing. Completely nothing.

"She needs a therapist and an orphanage would not be able to provide that. Public services like that don't have nearly half the funds to get her the kind of specialist she needs. If she were sent to live with her uncle then he could…"

"No Garet! There were strict orders to have her kept away from her uncle. The fathers will was very clear about that."

"She has been through a traumatizing experience and simply dropping of a traumatized seven year old child in a catholic orphanage filled with potentially abusive children, in an unstable environment, and just _hoping_ the _power of god_ will help is unacceptable. It's downright neglect and she needs therapy. Parliament would rather have a hernia and say they are too under funded, than to admit their officials are so overpaid that they can't afford to further fund social services. They won't pay for it. At the most they'll give her a hack job therapist for a few days whose paid two dollars an hour to pretend to care. She needs to be in the care of a legal guardian who can pay for a good therapist. Either we take a traumatized child to her uncles,or we have to tell this little girl that she is just going to have to suck it up and live in an orphanage

"Yes! Yes, I know! But the last will and testament of the father… and the law…"

"Wills can be overturned. There are laws already in place limiting certain requests from being followed through with. There is case precedence. Standford vs. the Wales County court where…."

The voices floated away again and my eyes blurred watching the world around me become fuzzy and muted. The world swirled again and everything became strange and fuzzy. Her heart started pounding in fear. She started breathing fast and her eyes flickered looking for the bad men. Her world became even stranger when she saw it again. _Hide precious! You hide for mommy and don't come out for anything!_ The darkness of her wardrobe. Mommy being shot. The bad men taking mommies clothes off and touching her strangely. The bad man starting to take of his own clothes and doing things to mommy while the other bad man watched. She grabbed a fork and ran out of the closet and stabbed the bad man in the eye. A loud bang. Pain everywhere. Red everywhere. Where was daddy?

She screamed. Daddy had been killed! Red was everywhere. Red lights flashed with specks of blue and more men came in crashing through the door. She screamed and screamed in pain and when she felt hands touching her she thrashed and kicked and bit at anything she could. They were saying things now and the world blurred again to blinding white with two men hovering over her. Her eyes widened in fear! The bad men who shot mommy and daddy! She screamed louder.

"Shit! Rick! Hold her down! She's having an episode! I fucking told you she needs a damn therapist! But no! The law is _SOOO_ more important!"

"Shut the hell up! You're scaring the children! This is a children's ward of the hospital! Don't curse! And I DO think the child is more important! If it weren't for the laws I would have her in her uncle's in a heartbeat with a therapist!" hands holding her down! They were going to take off her clothes like they did mommy! They were going to touch her like they did mommy!

"Fuck you! I said to fucking hold her down you complete fucking wanker! Now do it! Stop being a fucking weakling and actually put some fucking strength into the fucking job!" she kicked between one of the bad men's legs like her daddy had taught her. He swore angrily. "That's fucking it! She's going to her fucking uncles and we're fucking getting her a fucking therapist and with god as my fucking witness there's not a fucking thing you can fucking do about it! Don't fucking ever fucking tell me what to fucking say!"

The voices got louder and men in funny white coats came with knifes that had tiny bottles attached! She screamed louder realizing that that was the noise. She thrashed crying harder! They had killed mommy and daddy and now they wanted to kill her! She tried to struggle harder! Someone was laughing in the background! The bad man was laughing again! Red was everywhere and daddy was lying dead next to her naked mommy who was covered in white and red goop.

"Can't you get a needle into a seven year old girls arm Thompson? She's being held down by five men! Hurry up and sedate the damn girl or she's going to open up her stomach wound! Eddy spent four hours of surgery on her you know. It was absolute hell trying to get all the bullet fragments out and suturing it."

She felt a pinch in her arm and her vision fading. She tried to kick out but her legs were slow and sluggish. Her eyes closed and the screaming stopped. The bad men were picking her up…

xXxXxXXxX

Bumping… a whooshing noise… cars… lots of cars… I could hear them… in fact I was certain that I am in one… I felt the strange seat and a belt around my waist. Oh… I was in daddy's police car and he was driving me to school. Did I fall asleep? Why wasn't he singing like always? I opened my eyes. The emptiness settled in as I remembered where I was, and that mommy and daddy was gone.

No. not my father's police car. Just the car of another random adult, which explained things in overly bright cheery voices, with smiles that seemed as empty as I felt. I wondered where they were headed this time. Last time it was the hospital, then the police station, then an office building, then another hospital place. I remembered the white walls that smelled like the bleach in my mommy's kitchen, it smelled like the cabinet under the kitchen sink her mommy had always warned her to stay away from. Like the cabinet I hid in with the fork.

The world swirled again and everything became strange and fuzzy. Her heart started pounding in fear. She started breathing fast and her eyes flickered all over looking for the bad men. Mommy... Daddy… the bad men! They had taken her into a car! She had to hide! She got off the car seat and settled into the hollow where the legs went.

She huddled down, trying to make herself small. _Hide precious! You hide for mommy and don't come out for anything!_

The bad men's car stopped! She whimpered and covered her face, trying to shrink down even farther as she heard the back door of the car across from her being unlocked. She cowered away. Any minute now the bad men was going to take off her clothing and touch her in the places mommy said to scream if she was ever touched in. The door opened and it and she was shocked to see long hair. She paused, She started looking all over for the bad men. Then her focus was drawn back to the woman as she spoke slowly and smiled wide. She was crouching outside the doorway of the car.

"Hello Seras. I'm Janet. Would you like to be friends?" She held out her hand and Seras shrank back and shook her head fearfully. The woman didn't seem upset at all. In fact she just smiled again and tried again.

"That's a shame. I was really hoping to get to know you." Seras's eyes flickered in fright when she saw the woman's hand go into her pocket for something. She heard crinkling and the woman took out what looked like candy. Seras relaxed slightly. The fuzzy brightness faded. There didn't seem to be any bad men. Her breathing started to calm. She took five and placed them on the seat next to the door. Then she took another from her pocket and unwrapped it before popping it into her mouth. She turned around and sat on the ground, outside the car, leaning against the open doorway and the seat.

She sighed. "Friends share everything. I guess ill just have to eat this candy all by myself. If only I had a friend to share this with."

I stared at the woman hesitantly. There weren't any bad men and it looked safe. I looked at the candy. Caramel toffees! I hesitated some more, feeling nervous and anxious. She didn't seem mean and she just sat with her back to me, having a toffee. Mommy said stealing was bad but maybe she wouldn't notice if I took one. I slowly crawled onto the seat and the woman didn't seem to notice or hear me. This encouraged me and I reached out. I grabbed it and quickly slide back and got into the hiding place where people would put their feet. She turned her head and smiled at me. I stared nervously. She had seen me with the stolen toffee. She didn't seem mad.

"Would you like another one Seras?"

I nodded slowly. Rather than making me come get it like I expected, she grabbed it and handed me a second one. I took it. She smiled and I stared at her open mouthed grin. There was yellow candy spread across her teeth like she hadn't brushed her teeth in a million years! I couldn't help it. I giggled and tried not to points. Daddy said it wasn't nice to point or laugh at people; especially both at the same time. But again she didn't seem mad and laughed with me.

"I have yellow all over my teeth don't i?"

I nodded, still giggling slightly. She laid her head on the seat and looked at me. "Are you sure you don't want to be friends?'

I hesitated, wondering if she was with the bad men. She just smiled. I bit my lip and nodded. She smiled brightly and holds out her hand slowly, for the second time.

"I promised that everything is going to be okay. I have something to show you and someone to meet. Would you like to come with me?"

I anxiously wondered what it was but I didn't want to disappoint my friend. I reached out and took her hand. She just continued smiled and for the first time I notice the warm chestnut hair, dark skin and contrasting blue eyes.

"I'm so happy your coming with me! You and I will be seeing a lot more of each other! You're going to love meeting your uncle!"

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Part of the reason I wrote this story was because I never really felt they went into Seras's background well. What they had done with the anime was illustrate the attack on her family and then show her going to an orphanage. This really doesn't make sense to me. She clearly had been through a traumatizing event but there was no sort of therapy or even social worker for her? I just feel like it's a massive plot hole is all. I mean, seriously? Orphanages are known to have rough kids who can do mean things and the Hellsing creator didn't think of the fact that he could be dropping a potentially traumatized child into a unstable and potentially violent environment.? I love Hellsing, its writer and the art staff to undeath, but if I was their boss and they were social workers who did this in real life… they'd be out on their asses so fast that I'd be using their rectal tract as a leash! *mad* That's seriously dropping the ball. : (

Okay, I know. It's JUST a manga/anime. Not real. But I'm trying to have realism. Its not just mindless angst here. The human mind fascinates me. Two children raised separately, with the exact same lessons instilled in them and fed, clothed, and exposed to the exact same media. But when offered a choice they could both end up choosing radically different things. Part of the child development course I took covered child psychology and the effects we can have on the mind of a child. So some of you who are wondering what the episodes that Seras is having are.

In certain traumatized children, they are prone to having flashbacks in stressful situations or if there is a mental trigger which reminds them of the event that caused the trauma; or both. So when the trigger goes off Seras begins to have semi-hallucination events which make her remember the attack on her deceased parents and she takes the stressful event happening and attributes what's going on as the same event that happened to her parents. She takes this and thinks the event going on currently, is also the past attack on her parents and thinks its happening now. This is actually a similar condition in young traumatized children, to what war veterans with post traumatic stress experience. It's not quite the same but it could give you an idea of what her social worker and Seras are going to work through.

Right now Seras is fragile and frightened of everything around her. The sort of emotional abuse she has suffered which stems from her witnessing the violent murders of her parents are giving her emotional issues which could giver her self-confidence issues. However this is only the beginning of the flashbacks. Unfortunately for this story to work the way I planned it, it's going to get worse. Alot. *cries that she's doing this to poor little Seras.*

-He will knock four times.


	7. Would want to hug me

Oops! I didn't look at what I had posted and the 'wall of text is the result'. Sorry everyone. I'm going to fix it now. Xxxxxxxxxooo I was full of rage and mad. To hell with my master! I don't care what he says and did to me, I was going to go see Pip and that was final! I paused and for a moment i was actually glad my master had said that to me. Had attempted to take Pip away from me. I didn't have that lethargic feeling of wanting to crawl into my coffin and just lay there. The anger and defiance of my master, and the determination both Walter and Pip had given me ran hot and fresh. It gave me something to really live for. Yet I was terrified inside and terribly confused. What had he done to me and just how far did it go? And if he caught me trying to see Pip would he punish me? What was this "'three feet' business? It was with a sick thrill of dread that I finished lacing my boots and stood up to find Pip... And to find out. I quickly strode to the door and stared at it for a moment like it was going to eat me whole. I had the mad urge to laugh though. Everything seemed to be out to swallow me whole. If it wasn't my own emotions then it was my ever constant hunger for blood. If it wasn't that maddeningly eternal need for blood then it was the vampires and ghouls in combat I faced. If it wasn't combatant enemies then it was Sir Integra and that cold gaze like she was dispassionately dissecting me. And if it wasn't that, then it was master and his recent behavior I couldn't understand. For weeks I am ignored and then out of nowhere he shows up and suddenly I am his fledgling? I am his and I belong to him? I, the abuse and neglected? The forgotten and jilted? A object for him? It only seemed to make me angrier and angrier for every second I stood there and all I wanted to do was to punch him and the face and defy him on every count. Which then made me wonder what the hell I was doing, staring at the door like a twit? I strode forward and grabbed the handle twisting and walked out into the coolness of the hallway. XxxxXxxxX I was still fuming mad with rage and I swore that I was probably redder in the face than I had ever thought possible to achieve with my pale skin. But I angled towards the shooting range trying to remain calm. Or at least look calm. It really wouldn't do to find him, and then storm up to him looking angry like I was going to try to eat him. I winced at the not so dulcet tones of firearms that made my sensitive ears ring and pound. I had to resist clapping my hands over my ears. I walked down the hall and reached doorway. I peeked my head in and quickly looked for Pip. I looked and didn't see him in the stalls or at any of the lockers. Nor was he chatting with anyone. Then a few of the soldiers who were waiting for a practice stall noticed me and glared my way. My heart sank. I decided that my cursory glance was enough and quickly pulled my head back. It didn't matter how many times they did it, it always stung; the looks of disgust and fear. How did master bear it? Was I just fragile? Not good enough. Too much or too little. Why was everyone stronger than me? Everyone I looked at was so frighteningly brave and strong. And me... I shook my head and my thoughts of self pity. I just needed to work harder. I would be strong too. I guess I would need to stop being afraid of what my master would do to me in disobedience. Having chewed my poor lips anxiously, I wondered where else to look for him. I had looked in the shooting range and I knew he never stuck around the barracks after waking up. I perked up thinking that maybe he was having dinner. He never went to bed this early so I was certain he was still awake. The dining hall then! XxxxXxxxX Buoyant, happy, and light as a feather. Terrified, scared and filled with dread. I eagerly made my path down the hall to the mess hall but the anxiety was killing me. Knotting me up inside, wandering when the strange and mysterious order would happen. I sharply turned and nearly ran into someone but thankfully they flattened themselves to the wall and I continued past without so much as a 'sorry'. My boots slapped and clacked on the tile as I barreled down the winding hallways helter skelter. Finally I made it to the mess hall and to my relief I saw him. A small part of me was frightened that I wouldn't be able to physically see him even though was there. It seemed whatever thing my master had done had not limited me like that. I smiled in relief. I lifted my foot to bounce forward like a gleeful imp when it happened. My foot suddenly felt numb. I lifted my other food in confusion and tried to move forward. Then there was a buzzing in my ear that slowly started to grow louder to a dull roar. My arms shook weakly and I nearly screamed in fear. All I knew was that the world would explode around me if I didn't step back. That horrible feeling of shriveling inside made me feel as if to step forward would make me burst apart. My feet ached to step back. The compulsion grew stronger with ever passing second till I could scarily bare it. I fell back through the doors threshold and into the empty hallway... And into immediate relief. All of it stopped. The roar slowly faded and I felt my legs return to normal. The fear left me. My hands stopped shaking. All from moving away from Pip... I felt consumed by fear. My master had done it... Somehow he had done something to me which made obedience mandatory and I had no idea how. Or how to stop it. I climbed to my feet feeling angry. I walked forward moved the swinging door aside with the intent to talk to my friend, and to hell with the strange thing that had been done to me. I nearly screamed out in fear. My foot became numb. I grit my teeth and moved my foot forward, prepared this time. The roar returned like howling beasts and my head buzzed. My hands began to shake and I was so frightened of moving forward towards Pip. I was going to fly apart and shatter any moment now. I tried to lift my other foot and slide it forward. And then it all got worse from there. The world tilted on it's axis and it was like the floor had turned so far and titled so much that feared I was soon going to fall and slide down. That the floor was the wall and the wall was the floor. I grabbed the door to steady myself. I tried to call out his name by my throat remained still. And then without me even moving it got worse as time went on. The roar began to scream and it felt like she was starting to shrivel and she began to realize how terrifying it was to be close to Pip. She needed to move her foot back. She HAD to. She stumbled back in fright. And it all faded into nothingness. The fear, numbness, that vertigo, the roaring shrieks and the buzzing in my head. Shaken by the experience and the shock, I leaned heavily against the wall and slid down against it. I knew I didn't need to breath but I did it to calm myself anyways. Going close to Pip only ended up in disaster. The closer i got the worse the... Affliction became. And remaining close for any prolonged amount of time makes the... Symptoms worse. And my throat... I sniffled. My throat just didn't respond when I tried to say anything. To call out to him. I was forcefully, and selectively mute... How had my master done this to me? What terrified me more was the question... What else could he make me do with this obedience curse? 


	8. Aahhhhhggghhhhh! pop!

Dear readers, I've come to a painful but annoying to conclusion... I cannot write stories on the iPad. I simply cannot bare it. It turns out something with program in the iPad is incompatible with the website we all know and love. So while I would LOVE to submit stories while I nurse my poor computer back to health, I simply can't. The stories I put, dont come out like I write them. I put in full paragraphs of 3-5 sentences and instead of letting the spacing be involved... It spits out the great texting wall of china. I will not take down the chapters simply because you poor souls have been waiting on me FOREVER! Blame technology. I hate apple iTunes. I hate you with all my heart and soul. And one day me and Microsoft will rise up as one... And SLAY you! -He will knock four times 


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